The Loss

I can't think I can't breathe I don't know where I'm going or where I've been or If I'm really here at all is this some sort of dream am I dead am I here does it even matter any more? I'm falling, falling, falling, falling I've hit rock bottom I've found a shovel I'm digging, I'm digging, I'm digging and I've hit gold and I've found riches but I don't need them there's no point in them so I'm still digging and I've hit oil and I'm covered in thick oil and it's dark and it disgusting and I can't breathe and I can't see and I can't do anything because I'm still digging and the oil is filling up my lungs and I can't breathe and I'm still digging and my eyes are sealed shut and I can't see. Where am I going I don't know where I'm going do you know where I'm going because I haven't the slightest clue only that I'm going down and down and down and maybe I'm going sideways too but I'm definitely going down unless I'm upside down then I'm going up but that's not the point because the oil is coating my skin and I can't breathe and I can't hear and why am I digging again? This is moving too fast it. Needs. To. Slow. Down.

But what will happen when it slows down where will I be do I even want to slow down because I must be digging for my own reasons six feet, six feet, six feet under and across and long and I'm under at least six feet of dirt and there's oil in my lungs and I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going and can someone help me dig down further because my arms are tired and my hands are blistered and my shoulders are shaking something awful and there's something swimming in my eyes that I don't think is the oil.  And it's salty and it's sweet and it's in my mouth and the oil is gone and now I'm drowning in a sea of salt water six feet from the center of the universe, of my universe, and I'm drowning and my glass is half empty on one end and half full on the other end and I can't decide whether or not that's important so I'm just going to dump the whole thing into the sea and see where it goes.

I think this might be dying, this falling digging dig of drowning oily water. What else could it be but dying because I'm so lost and I'm so confused but I'm not seeing any lights so I must be going to hell and why am I still dig, dig, digging my way six feet after six feet after another six feet down closer to the center of my universe and to hell that's waiting with open arms of oily oblivion. And what have I done to deserve this punishment and why am I here in the first place and why am I drowning in oil or saltwater or whatever it is anyway? And why is this all going so fast why can't it slow down because the colors of the universe are blurring and swirling and churning and how can I see the colors anyway because the oil's in my eyes and there's water in my eyes and I can't see them but the churning colors of my universe are dizzying and awe-inspiring; I know but I don't know either. I haven't the slightest clue as to how to make my stomach feel less like it's tying knots or skipping rope with my intestines because that's what I feel like right now and I really want this to slow down some because I'm really starting to get scared and I don't know where I am do you know where I am because I sure as the seven skies above don't know. How are there seven skies anyway why are there seven skies and three suns and two moons and maybe I'm crazy or something because I swear I saw a pig fly by just ten minutes ago half an hour from now. Which is weird because pigs don't fly and I was falling digging drowning just a minute ago and oil and water really don't mix.

They don't mix and maybe that's why the oil's gone and I'm drowning in saltwater that's leaking from my open eyes and maybe that's why there are pigs flying and color has been sucked from the world that I swear wasn't there just a second ago and the clouds are cold and gray and the world is silent except for the screaming inside my head that's telling me, asking me, why the world hasn't ended yet. And I can't answer because I didn't know the world was ending until the screaming voice told me so and what am I supposed to do if the world is ending and am I colorblind because the world seems so colorless and dull and why is the world spinning and who is the man in front of me with the sad pitying look in his oil colored eyes? And he's opening his mouth and he may be saying something and when did this man get here with his oiled colored eyes and why am I not falling digging drowning anymore and why is the world slowing down again? Why is my heart wrenching? What is this man in front of me saying?

"I'm very sorry for your loss."